I’m no foreigner to transitions. For starters, I left the Philippines in my early twenties for a travel work opportunity in the U.S. and have been hopping around since. I’m now in my 12th home address. With moving comes a million hellos and goodbyes. I can say I’ve mastered the art of self-preservation such that for every last hug with someone dear to me, I quickly gather myself together, flip the switch, and head-on face what’s next. There were surely sentiments in those moments, but I didn’t let them keep me from moving into the future.

“I’m really good at this — embracing changes and moving forward.” Or so I thought … until the time finally arrived to prepare for the next chapter: having kids.

*Sigh*

I’ve been married for four years now, and although my age is not yet high-risk for pregnancy, the pressure to bear a child is starting to build up. I would definitely love to have a family of my own, but I don’t know if I can meet the demands of being a mother. I’m still in the uphill battle of building my career, one not centered on me but on the people who will eventually benefit from it. If I were to be practical, the stakes are high if a child were to come into the picture any year now. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to wait for too long that pregnancy ends up risking my life and the baby’s. Honestly, there are times when I long to embrace a child, yet there are also moments when I can totally picture myself without having one. And although I know my husband will be there for me throughout the child-rearing journey, I believe the mother’s role is inherently twice that of the father’s, probably even more, and it’s a role I’m not sure I can fulfill.

But whatever the future holds, I will fully embrace it. Surely, no one can prepare for such a life-changing transition called parenthood. For now, I will take care of my life’s lot until the Lord gives me a heart ready to become a mother.

In times of uncertainty, I am reminded of God’s reassurance towards Israel while in exile:

Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10